I wanted to complete this article before my grandma’s passing. But alas she left us quickly and without giving any trouble to anyone. I want to share her gentle warm love, care and concern for all of us.In my life, I received lots of love and gifts since birth. Since young, I was always at the receiving end of joy and happiness. I never ever noticed or realized the receiving until lately. Now I realize that the greatest gift of all does not come from receiving but from GIVING and SHARING.
I used to think that giving and sharing is so very hard, because I could not afford to give away any money as I was always short of it. I equated giving only in terms of monetary and material value. I never knew that my time and skills could be so precious to others. It dawned upon me when I experienced and learnt about this lesson, of unconditional giving from my beloved grandma. We can’t buy love and care, even if we had a million dollars to spare, especially the love from our beloved ones.
My eyes wander to the empty wooden chair in my living hall, the chair grandma liked the most. My thoughts wander……I can see ah poh sitting there with her gentle and warm smile. She is wearing her favorite Sarong, holding a paper fan, fanning herself, both legs swinging because she can’t reach the floor. My thoughts started floating as all the old memories overflow my mind.
I remember. We used to talk for hours during your stay at my place. It was so delightful to share everything with you. Be it about emotions, life or love. You were always so supportive and wise, despite not having any formal education.
I have been through many ups and downs, since I left our hometown and moved to Kuala Lumpur. I will never forget all the comforting words, love and support you gave during my hard times, and when I lost my direction in life. You said “Go, do what your heart tells you! As long as you are happy with what you are doing. Let go of the past and all the unhappiness.” I came to the conclusion that you are the one who understood me most.
You worried about my life…..yet, you approved and felt happy at the charity work that I was doing. You used to ask me why do I go to Cambodia for the Charity Project? I replied, “Because I learned about love and care from you, I wish to be like exactly like you. Just like a darling for so many pupils. I remember your smile when you replied “Sure! Certainly you will have better life than me at your old age! ”
Ah Poh, My most wonderful days were during your stay at my place. You taught me how to cook better, how to take good care for my two sons, how to make myself look better…..I gained so much knowledge, wisdom and love from you. Those were such great chances for me to have you accompanying me in my life’s journey. I love to buy your favorite nyonya and hakka foods for you, the joy of making you smile satisfies me.
We will not only miss your love and care, but your delicious cooking as well. We will miss your kaya, laksa, otak-otak, nasi ulam and even your simple onion fried rice…..
In the month of May and June, I was missing you so much and visited you every weekend. Obviously, your body was getting frail. I tend to get chocked up by emotions, and can’t control my tears from falling whenever I shake your hand, stroke your back, touch you….Felt so sad to see you lying down on the bed, with no strength to get up. Yet, you still worry for others: my children, mum, even the relative who stays near me. You kept reminding me that I should not be too busy with teaching and I must take good care of my diet. I could feel how much suffering you went through, nonetheless, you never complained.
28 June, Sunday, I was busy in the morning but I thought of you the whole day. Finally I visited you in the evening. The moment I stepped in your room, my heart shattered to pieces to see your swollen feet and hand, you breathing so laboriously, talking so softly. Despite this, you asked me not to cry; to not be sad, to go home early, because it’s dangerous driving back alone. Aunts and I insisted to send you to the hospital, I saw your eyes welled up with tears and you finally nodded your head to agree to go to the hospital. My heart was so painful, I knew you going to leave us soon…..
29 Jun, Monday, i received a message from cousin Saw Ean, that the doctor has asked us to prepare…..I could only go to see you the next day.
30 Jun, You were so weak, doctors put drips on you and an oxygen mask over your face. You tried to open your eyes when you heard my voice, your eyelids opening gently, you open your eyes slowly and looked at me. Although you could not look at me clearly, nor could you speak, but you lifted up your left hand towards me. I wiped off the tears and quickly hugged you. I felt you were so exhausted, and you were aware that your life was coming to an end. I cried and asked for forgiveness, wish for you to let go of all any grudges you held against anyone and leave peacefully….
When mom rushed to the hospital from Butterworth, you fell asleep again. I then went home, on the way back I realized I forgot to say thank you to you, forgot to tell you that I had an interview from Oriental Press few days ago.
1 July, Alas! It’s too late! With mom accompanying you by your side, you departed at 6.39 in the morning. I cried loudly when I received the call from mom. So many things, if I could only have one last chance. If only I could turn back time. I couldn’t tell her….
All my life I had so much happiness having my grandma with me. I feel so miserable and I miss her terribly. I learned that her GIFT of giving her care, concern, comforting words and most of all her wisdom made me realize that in giving she did it without any money or material things. Ah Poh, I wish you could hear me saying I love you and perhaps an overdue load of apologies. My mentor, my guide, my grandma, I just want to tell you that you are the most precious gift in my life.
